Seven months

I think I realised in the past week that I am understanding how much I have fallen for you.

I can’t imagine a future without you. You drive me crazy with how much I love you. It’s a love that has only grown from day one… and that I don’t understand.

There are certain things I can’t imagine without you; building a home (from culture to the budget), having kids, holding my hand on the days that take my breath away from beauty and the days that I struggle to find fresh air, studying/ learning/ growing, loving people around us, going to crazy family dinners, travelling to the strangest places and meeting the most versatile people, growing more in God and sharing His love with those who don’t know it, getting to make breakfast before work and dinners after work.

I want to wake up next to you, not say goodbye every night. I want commit to stand by your side whole heartedly as you face your biggest battles. I want to be hugged or kissed whenever I want. I want to fall deeper in love with you.

But I will wait. Patiently, I will wait. Until you’re ready for all this too. No rush, but when you’re ready, you know I am too.

 

 

 

 

 

The first time he kissed me

Mr L and I go to college together, but we aren’t in classes together, which means I see him around everyday but also get my own space to do my studies. Last Tuesday was his birthday and in celebration of this great day… we decided to ditch. After our first class, we met at the car and drove into the city for lunch.

We then spent the day exploring, hanging out with each other and being incredibly silly. When I’m with him I truly have the most fun. My face is literally sore from smiling around him so much. I’m not complaining at all but my dream of having a full heart and a full smile has definitely become my reality.

After taking him out for dinner with all of our best friends and his siblings, he walked me home (it’s super convenient living a four-minute walk from each other’s houses). It was slightly raining but neither of us cared because we were dancing and laughing the entire way home. When he dropped me off he gave me the biggest hug and we just held onto each other for a while, then he kissed me.

It was one of the nicest kisses I have ever had, mostly because it was Mr L. He is the perfect combination of confident and casual. He’s been like since the first moment he asked me out.

I have never felt as safe as I do when I’m in his arms, never felt more loved or respected either. I am truly grateful to my God for blessing me with the best guy I have ever met. And no, he’s not perfect, and I know that, but he treats me perfectly, which is what matters. I’ve struggled to trust guys for the past year, but when I’m with him all those fears dissipate.
I’m needing to write this down, because I’m not ready to tell him, but I have fallen for him. Head over heels. I care more and respect him more than I have ever about anyone else in my entire life. I don’t want to say it to his face, because this is his first relationship and I don’t want to scare him off… but I think I have fallen in love with Mr L.

The hardest conversation I have ever had

For those of you who have read any of my previous posts, you will know I have had quite the journey in the past twelve months. My closest friends and family tell me I am barely recognizable… mostly because I cannot contain or express my immense joy. I used to be broken, and now I am restored. I used to be sad and now I’m ecstatic.

But that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten my past mistakes and the consequences I knew they would have on my current circumstances. As you may or may not, I have fallen for and started dating my best friend. Except one problem, he didn’t know about how I had previously stuffed up… leaving me in a situation where I had to face inevitably the hardest conversation that I had ever had to face, telling him of these past mistakes. Not that he would have ever forced me to, but I knew that in order for him to know the true me, he would have to find out this past of mine that very few people actually know.

The conversation happened five nights ago and was the most difficult conversation I have had, ever, hands down. I was silent for about twenty minutes and struggled to find words (which is truly rare for me). Then came the tears and being overwhelmed by my emotions. And that feeling of knowing you can’t change the past and the potential for it to ruin the present and the future. But this was a vulnerability that I had to embrace out of respect for Mr L.

Long story short, I was really into Mr L before this conversation but never knew how much love and sweetness he was capable of until this evening. He gave me the biggest hug and made me feel safer than I ever had before.

To top it off, the next morning texted me asking if he could come by my house just to give me a quick hug before he went out for the day… after this hug he gave me a hand written letter all about how much he respected me.

Is this real life?! I thought Romeo and Prince Charming were made up???

I thought he was the best guy I have ever met, but now I am sure I have fallen for him.

In love? I don’t know just yet, but I definitely know that it is not far off.

The awkward balance of the right thing

I went out on a first date with my best friend five days ago. We have hung out a few times since then, and I’m just really enjoying his company. I am struggling with the balance of not wanting to push him and to take things slowly but also having to be uncertain what to say when other people ask what’s going on between him and I, because I really don’t have an answer to that question.

I want more than anything to get it right, I don’t want either of us to be hurt or confused. I want to do the right thing by him. But that’s hard when I’m not sure what he’s thinking. I know he needs time, to take things one date at a time, so I will give him that. I know I want to have that conversation where everything is clarified, but we can’t just yet. He wants to take things slowly as he’s never dated before so I need to respect that, but I mean would much change? We are just two best friends hanging out, loving each others company and loving doing life together, that’s dating right?

I’m not ‘dating’ him, I’m hanging out with a great guy that I have a huge crush on. That’s it. If it turns into something more, then great, and if it doesn’t then that’s okay too. I will be okay either way.

But it’s still tough in the mean time. Especially when I’m already head-over-heels for him.

THE first date

So, I just went on a date day with Mr L and it was so much fun… here’s what we did:

  • He picked me up at 6:10am and we got coffee then watched the sunrise from a beautiful rock lookout in my local area
  • Then we went to the beach and got take-away crepes for breakfast and ate them on the beach
  • Then we drove into the city and went for a walk across the harbour bridge, laughing and climbing trees along the way.
  • Then we had a nap in a park near the opera house and for a while a just looked into his beautiful eyes
  • We then drove home via the supermarket and got food for lunch and we went back to my place to cook it. We also watched my favourite movie, She’s the man, and played piano and sung together
  • Then we went to the shops, got picnic food and went up to another lookout to have a picnic with a view that overlooks the entire city

Overall, it was such a relaxing day, despite us doing a lot, it was just hanging out with my best friend and getting to be a little flirty with the greatest guy I have ever met. I also don’t want to take things too fast, so at this point it is just taking it date by date, mostly for his sake because I don’t want him freaking out. As much as I want a title or something to call this, I don’t need it because I know it is more important for him to realize that dating is just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company, it really doesn’t have to be more than that.

So, for now I get to hang out with my best friend, go on sneaky coffee dates, lie in his arms while we watch the sunrise, talk for hours, enjoy silences and just do life with a really inspiring and fantastic guy.

And don’t even get me started on how much fun it all is!

Thoughts from the 3rd of August

He just so happens to be one of the funnest people I have met. When I’m with him, I can’t help but laugh for hours. When things get too serious, he makes me laugh. When things get too silly, he brings me back down to earth. Sometimes he says subtly cute things, and I don’t know if they were for me to hear or not. You see we aren’t dating yet, but I’m head over heels for him.

I still feel rational in my thinking, my head is still screwed on the right way. I’m successfully able to play down how much I’m actually into him when I’m around him, it’s hard but I do it for the sake of my heart. I could so easily fall for him, but I’m trying to keep my head above the waves.

Sometimes I don’t know how he feels about me, weather he’s on the same page and just trying to play it down or if his feelings towards me are fresh. I really don’t mind either way, but I try to hold my tongue when I want to tell him how truly amazing he it. I have to tell myself over and over against, “don’t hold his hand, don’t hold his hand, don’t hold his hand” because all I want to do is hold his hand and never let go. All I want to do is fall into his protective arms, get lost in his eyes and dance with him. But I don’t, because I need to protect myself in case after our date we just want to be friends. Which would be really hard, but still having him in my life is more important to me than losing him altogether.

You see he just so happens to be the most kind-hearted gentleman I’ve ever met. He respects and loves people. His zeal for life and passion for leading and creating vision are both incredibly inspiring and attractive.

I write this all down because sometimes, like right now, I feel like I might pop, out of excitement and admiration for him.

P.s. he sent me a text yesterday out of the blue saying “your amazing”. Ignoring the grammatical error, I died. My heart felt like it jumped out of my chest.

Okay, that’s all from me now.

xoxo

I’m exhausted with life

I live life to the full, it’s just a thing I do. But it’s taking its toll on me now. I’m tired, exhausted really – and that could be because I only got 6.5 hours of sleep last night compared to my 9 average.

I have worked 47 hours in the past fortnight, plus studied full time at college and on top of that, I have had the flu. I love living life to the full, but I’m struggling right now.

Maybe it’s too full but I have no idea how to cut back on it all. SOS

my best friend is the guy of my dreams…

I feel like I am on the set of a rom-com. Mostly because my emotions couldn’t be expressed any cheesier, but also because I really don’t feel like this is all happening. Let me get this straight… Mr L, the guy I’ve been head-over-heels for the past seven months, but had to keep it on the down-low because he’s also one of my best friends, has asked me out on date?!?!

Except, here’s the deal, we aren’t going out until August the 15th, because he lost his license for speeding and doesn’t get it back till August the 12th. It’s now July the 21st. Which leaves us in this really bizarre place of we’re about to date, but we’re not dating yet, and we share the same best friends and none of them know. I feel a heck of a lot like Monica and Chandler, except we aren’t actually dating yet. Okay, so it sounds pretty confusing and horrible, but it’s actually really nice. Because there’s no commitment yet and we are both just getting to know each other a bit better one-on-one.

At the moment I’m at home sick with the flu and yesterday he came over just to make me tea and sit with me while I watched movies. As soon as he got there he made me a great tea, and freshly squeezed orange juice, which is my favourite whilst I’m sick.

[ OMG side note because I didn’t tell you about what happened last week. So, after work finished he called me and asked what I was up to and I said “nothing” so he invited me over for dinner. We went to the shops, bought pizza ingredients (he payed) and then went and rented Sweet Home Alabama. But as we were sitting watching the movie, he asked if I wanted a cup of tea, which of course I said yes because he makes a killer tea. He then pulled out of his bag my favourite tea (T2 Creme Brulee) and told me he got it for me as a gift. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, it was probably one of the sweetest things someone has ever done for me. Not because I love gifts, but I love that someone had thought of me and bought my favourite thing and surprised me with it.]

Okay, so this vent has gone on for a long time, but I’m just really really loving where we are at right now, it’s so much fun with no expectation but still great quality time. He is the perfect combination of casual and confident, it kills me.

Anyway, he’s the best, and I am still in shock that he asked me out. He’s the greatest, I seriously couldn’t think of a better guy.

You would never guess what just happened…

OMG OMG OMG.

My heart is full and my smile is even fuller. Talk about an unexpected turn of events.

The other day whilst at work I got a text from Mr L… Hey! Can I give you a call later tonight? Or could we catch up soon? 🙂

After freaking out and making some joke about being in trouble he sent this (which really got my over-thinking mind buzzing)…It’s no biggy, just easier to explain/ask face to face/ 1v1 🙂. Ummmmm omg. I then came up with three scenarios in my head as to what he could be wanting to say:

  1. He found out I liked him and he wanted to let me down easy because he was into someone else
  2. He found out I liked him and he wanted to let me know he was also into me
  3. He found out I liked him and he wanted to let me know that he didn’t see me as more than a friend

I was really hoping it was number two, but like I’ve always said, I wouldn’t want our friendship ruined, so I braced myself for any of the three. So I arranged to pick him up from work and that way we could chat on the way to my friends house where all my best friends were hanging out that night.

So at 8:30pm I picked him up, he got in the car and we started driving and making small talk. He then blurted out some comment about how you’re supposed to make four minutes of small talk before having a deep and meaningful conversation, then he let me know that we had a minute and thirty seconds left. What I really enjoy about being around him is that he can make me laugh, even when I’m freaking out about what he’s about to say.

After the longest minute and thirty seconds of my life, he started rambling and not making much sense, so I pulled him up on it and said, “look, I’m really not understanding what you’re saying.”

That’s when he said the words I never imagined coming out of his mouth… I see you as more than a friend and I would love to take you out on a date or two, and just see where this can go.

WHAT?!

I think I then went into shock and couldn’t find the words, I was still driving so I had to pull over and just breathe. He then kept talking nervously, because I hadn’t said anything.

Finally I said to him, “We are on the same page with a lot of things… and this is no different.”

Then I couldn’t stop smiling and grinning from ear to ear. The best guy that I have ever met, also the guy I have had a crush on for the past 7 months, who also happens to be one of my best friends, just asked me out on a date!!!!!!!!!

That is a night I will never forget.

So, we agreed to go out on a date, and not tell any of our friends, mostly because we don’t want them getting involved, but we are just going to see how it goes and we don’t want to make the group dynamic different.

Okay, so vent over, I wanted you all to know my exciting news, mostly because there’s no one else I can talk to.